Each week for Charlotte Magazine’s ‘Four Downs’ series, I ask a Panthers' player a bunch of non-football questions, including one fan submission. But Thursday’s talk with Luke Kuechly went so far off the rails, I figured it’d be worth sharing a long tangent for the follically inclined.

What started as an innocent chat about Mexican food turned into a 10-minute talk about beard hair.

@BlackBlueReview Greg Olsen. Are you bringing back the beard this season? Also, is Luke able to grow one yet?

— Russell Varner (@rvarner) September 29, 2016

LK: I can grow a beard, but it's not very good. That's the issue.

BV: How long would it take?

LK: It would go through an awkward phase, kind of like your hair. Meaning, like my hair.

BV: Eh, like my hair, too. This thing’s a mess.

LK: I think it'd probably take me a good month and a half, two months for anything to actually come out.

BV: When you say it's bad, it's patchy?

LK: It's just patchy.

(Kuechly’s locker neighbor Shaq Thompson walks over)

LK: Shaq for example, he has good density of hair.

BV: But he's got a patch, right there.

LK: Yeah, but it's a good look.

ST: Ben Jacobs. You remember Ben? His was good.

LK: You see Lavar (Edwards) over there? Lavar has good hair. That's good beard hair.

ST: (Greg) Olsen's is dope.

LK: Olsen's got a good beard. I'd stack him right under (Ryan) Kalil. I think Kalil has the best beard on the team.

BV: You're partial to him, though. You have your friend’s back.

LK: Who do you think has a better one?

ST: How about Travell (Dixon)? Travell's is nice.

BV: (Mike) Remmers.

LK: He has a strong beard. That’s like a 6 or 7.

BV: That’s way too low.

LK: I think Kalil's is good because it's always well groomed.

BV: Do you think his wife makes him do that?

LK: I don't think so.

BV: I think you're being nice. I think it's part of a deal they have.

(Kuechly starts scanning the locker room)

LK: OK, let's look at DBs. (Zack) Sanchez? No. Leonard (Johnson)? No. Kurt (Coleman)? No. Colin (Jones)? Colin can grow a good beard. Tre (Boston’s) is OK. James (Bradberry) can't. Teddy (Williams) doesn't have one. Thomas (Davis) can't grow one. (David) Mayo can't grow one. (Brian) Blechen's got strong beard hair. (Jeremy) Cash, no. Shaq, no. A.J. (Klein) can’t … Oh, (Derek Anderson) - underrated beard. DA's got a good beard game.

BV: What do you think about whatever Cam (Newton) has going on under his chin?

LK: I'll give it to him, what he has he works for. He can't go full beard.

(Remmers walks by)

BV: See, look at Remmers. His isn't even going yet.

LK: Hey, Remmers?

MR: What's up?

LK: We're talking about beards over here.

MR: What about them?

LK: We're talking about who's got strong beards on the team. I said you, Kalil, Olsen.

BV: Look at this - a fan compared you to Yukon Cornelius.

@BlackBlueReview Mike Remmers: Around the holidays, do kids ever call him Yukon Cornelius? pic.twitter.com/uQeCpXtGDN

— SalesMan (@95KeepPounding) September 29, 2016

(Remmers nods in agreement)

LK: Oh, (Andrew) Norwell! Another good one on the offensive line.

BV: O-linemen for some reason all have good beards.

MR: Star (Lotulelei). Star gets some big ones.

LK: Star's got a good beard.

(Olsen walks toward trainers’ room)

LK: Hey Greg - we're chatting about beards over here. Would you like to join?

GO: Beards?

LK: Beards. We gave you an 8.

GO: Last year's was pretty good.

LK: Yeah, we gave you an 8 overall. 8 to 9.

GO: Oh, yeah? That's fair. Thanks.

LK: This article's going to be sweet.

BV: We're at nine minutes.

(J.J. Jansen walks through)

BV: How about this guy?

LK: J.J.? I don't think his commitment level's there.

BV: You know what, Mario Addison's got a good one.

LK: Yeah, Mario's got a James Harden beard. He's up there. He's a 7-plus.

(Associated Press reporter Steve Reed walks over)

LK: What do you think Steve? Who do you think’s got the best beard?

BV: This is what people want to know. Much more important than, "How are you going to stop the Falcons?"

SR: Remmers is pretty good.

LK: You guys all like Remmers. I think Kalil's is the best because he has good hair for a beard. As weird as that sounds.

BV: I could sell this audio.

LK: It's like a podcast.

BV: You could have a beard podcast! You know how Jordan Gross had one? All you would do is bring on a different guy each week. "Joining me now is Star Lotulelei ... "

(Time Warner Cable News sports director Mike Solarte walks over)

LK: We're talking about beard hair.

MS: That could be a sponsorable item on your site.

LK: You could have a 'Beard of the Week.'

MS: Revenue.

Great idea, Mike.

ATTN: Beard businesses - BBR operators are standing by.