A Letter to a Tennessee Mom From a Roaring Riot Dad

 

Hello, I’m Dan. I’m a father of two and a long-time Panthers season ticket holder. I hope this letter finds you well.

Sorry about the Titans defeat on Sunday. They’re a team I have had a soft spot for since the Steve McNair days. I do hope this passive-aggressive “Southern nice” intro isn’t too upsetting for your delicate countenance.

As a counterpoint to your concern regarding “Mr. Newton” and his “gyrating hips,” I’d like to present a more appropriate parental response. I call this process the “acceptance of a young black quarterback.” I’ve added my own thought process to help guide you through this difficult time.

Stage 1: Amusement

“Hahaha, that guy has awesome moves. Look at his youth, his joie de vivre. This is a young man who is clearly enjoying himself. I remember being 26 and dancing and generally making a fool of myself.”

Stage 2: Jealousy

“Before my kids emerged and drained me of my life force and left me wandering this earth like a pod person, a mere husk of my former self. That is the dance of a man that clearly does NOT have children. I wish I could dance like that. (I imagine this stage is akin to watching this video for many Southern moms):

 

 

Stage 3: Wish-Fulfillment

“I can’t dance like that anymore (on account of my children turning me into a limp, flabby, lifeless soul shuffling around in a fog that never lifts) but I can pay someone to teach my kids how to do it. Then I can have them “bap” on my friends and family. That’d be hilarious, like the time I taught my daughter to walk up to my friends and give them one of these:

 

 

Stage 4: Reality

“Unfortunately, I can’t afford dance lessons because of the daycare bills and the swimming lessons and the soccer practices and the diapers and the formula and the food and cars and mortgages and … ”

 

Stage 5: That Awkward Feeling Cam Gives You

“I’m a heterosexual father of two in a very happy marriage. I make decent money and live a pretty affluent existence and I still sometimes daydream about running away with Cam (an objectively beautiful human) and living in a log cabin forever.”

 

Stage 6: Exhaustion

“Hey, these Panthers fans I’m around seem nice. I wonder if I could get one to look after my kids for, like, one quarter while I sneak into the concourse and find a soft place – possibly a trash bag full of popcorn + to take a nap. I haven’t slept in three weeks and I’m not even sure what I’m experiencing isn’t just a massive, never-ending hallucination.

 

Stage 7: Teachable Moment

“I should probably make sure my kid is watching this so she doesn’t view sports as a slog, a joyless activity in which one must not, at any cost, express themselves. I remember the coaches who tried to teach us how to ‘respect the game.’ They sucked.”

 

So there you have it, a 7-step guide for accepting Cam Newton into your life. I hope it helps. But I do have a couple questions.

What did you make of this dance?

 

 

I’m guessing you don’t find it offensive, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why this is OK and Mr. Newton’s hips gave you the vapors.

And did you know the Panthers play a team called the Washington REDSKINS this weekend?

This seems like a good time to tell you that your outrage radar is pointed in the wrong direction. There’s a lot wrong with the NFL. Cam Newton’s dabbing isn’t one of them. May I suggest this for further reading.

Thanks for reading (even though I’m 60 percent sure you don’t exist and are just a construct of faux outrage),

Dan

 

A Quick Bit of Regularly Scheduled Programming

 

The Nashville takeover was a resounding success. You could definitely hear the Panther fans on TV, which is generally the goal. Check out pictures from the event here.

Same time, same place for the tailgate this weekend. Bring your kids and I’ll make sure mine Dab on dem.